My three now-adult children are complaining about adulthood. But they're not struggling with adulthood.
There's a difference.
Our adult kids seem to be handling life's challenges just fine. I'm convinced it's because we gave them a chance to choose and to experience failure and frustration as they grew up.
My book, Unison Parenting: The Comprehensive Guide to Navigating Christian Parenthood with One Voice, touches on this topic directly in three chapters and indirectly in several others. One of the bedrock principles of Unison Parenting is to agree on a system by which children gradually, incrementally make their own choices.
Of course, you as a parent retain a lot of governance and control. When children are preschoolers, they don't get to make big decisions on their own, like what preschool they attend. But they might choose what they wear today or what they have for breakfast. At that age, you don't give complete freedom to have ice cream for breakfast, of course. But you can give acceptable A or B options that allow them to begin learning to choose.
As they enter elementary school, the decisions get more complex, and they can engage in that complexity. A classic case is their science fair project. You can help them brainstorm options, evaluate which ones are best suited or are executable, and then let them choose, supporting them whether or not the project has the best chance to look good or win. One of our children went through the process and decided they didn't want to participate in science fair at all. I wasn't crazy about that decision, but I respected their choice.
The decisions get more complex in the teen years. They will be making many decisions without your presence or input, but on a lot of decisions, you still retain parental override. You enter this phase by assuring them that your goal is not control, as you want them to learn to make good decisions, but to provide a sounding board and safety net. Decisions come with bigger consequences, so sometimes you have to veto and say no. Still, offer them as many chances to decide, with your consultation, as is reasonable.
The sum of these choices is a mature adult who makes good decisions.
Would you like a free e-copy of the Unison Parenting book? My publisher is running a special free promotion. Please visit the Morgan James Publishing order site at https://dl.bookfunnel.com/yzrrx9oh1u to receive your copy!
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