Unison Parenting Blog: Becoming Confident in Your Child's Decision-Making

Two things can both be true: I am happy with my adult children's decision-making processes. I don't agree with every decision they make.

People are often surprised that I feel that way (most recently, my hair stylist). It seems like if their decision-making process is good, then they would arrive at the same decisions I would choose, adhering to all of my values.

Perhaps I feel differently because I come out of a technical background where there is often disagreement on decisions, you have to prove your alternative is right, and you sometimes find that another person's perspective or supplemental information renders your alternative wrong. But I think it also comes from training my children how to make decisions and then letting them apply that process to their situation, their values, and other inputs that I may not have considered. And not expecting them to become a mini-me.

In my book, Unison Parenting, I dedicate substantial parts of two chapters to helping your children learn to make decisions. I advocate incremental decision-making as they grow, allowing children to make bigger and bigger decisions (with guardrails) and letting them experience the results of those decisions. I also teach parents how to recognize a child's willingness and capability to move to the next level of decision-making.

It was almost humorous when my children first left home; they would call me to discuss a big decision. We would identify the pros and cons of each alternative, thinking of new alternatives as well. Then they would say, "Which one should I choose?" I would say, "I don't know. That's up to you! I taught you how to make good decisions. Now go and decide."

Focus on the process more than on the outcomes. The old saying is true that bad judgment leads to bad experiences that lead to good judgment that leads to good experiences. If you can teach decision-making and let your children try it and experience the results (again, with parental override for decisions of high consequence), then you can feel confident that when your child leaves home, they will be a mature young adult who can make decisions using a sound process.