Unison Parenting Blog: Inspect Not Expect

The single mom was desperate. Her three teenaged sons, an 18-year-old and 13-year-old twins, would not clean up after themselves. The house was strewn with dirty dishes and dirty clothes when she came home after working long hours.

The boys would dismiss her nagging and screaming with, “Oh, Mom, you’re just wigging out again.” She would threaten various punishments but rarely had the energy to follow through.

As we talked, I shared a key Unison Parenting concept with her: Inspect; don’t expect. Parents who inspect get much better results than those who only expect, as she had been doing.

Based on my input, the mom set up a system of expectations and consequences; to make it more powerful, the teens helped decide expectations and consequences, with parental agreement. All the mother had to do was inspect for violations when she came home. The boys quickly improved at policing their possessions because they didn’t want to experience the consequences they themselves had selected.

It sounds simple, right? It can be. Expectations generate emotions, threats, and arguments. Under a clear system of expected behaviors and consequences, inspections remove emotion. An occasional argument might center on whether a violation indeed occurred, but those won’t happen often. The mom now has no need to threaten; she simply points to their agreement and enforces consequences.

Inspection is part of a more detailed family management system that also rewards continued or exceptional good behavior. This system moves the focus away from parental rule to the child’s decision-making that parents want to develop. With clear expectations, consequences, and inspections, a child knows the boundaries and learns how their choices lead to outcomes.

When multiple parenting partners are involved, either in the house or in separate households, each must agree to the inspection principle so it can work optimally. The system could still work with some differences between households, as long as they are not polar opposites, but the best situation is to act in unison and agree on aligned expectations and consequences.