Further Insights: What do You REALLY do with the Cookie?

In my Thursday Unison Parenting blog, I brought up an advice columnist's suggestion that an annoyed restaurant guest should send a cookie to the table of a misbehaving child. I discussed a generic process for making low consequence decisions. Now let's apply that process to this particular situation.

Let's first divide the situation based on a child's age. For toddlers, the key is distraction. I call it "giving them a new thought." It's not an age where a values discussion is going to stick. You're trying to train them but also trying to soothe them. Depending on the attitude of the other diner, sending the cookie could be an insult or a sympathetic endorsement. I recommend taking it as the latter, using the cookie as an instrument of distraction, gratefully apologizing to the diner for being drawn into a child's training on public behavior, and ignoring further insults while thanking them again and withdrawing.

For a preschooler or older, the situation is different. Now the cookie is a reward for bad behavior, so the decision-making is different too.

As I discussed in the prior post, assuming multiple parenting partners are present, quick communication is key, with thinking aloud, such as, "We have a cookie at the table. What shall we do with it?" Maybe a comment that asserts your values like, "A cookie is so nice, it should be saved as a reward for good behavior." Try to come to a conclusion while supporting each other and staying firm; for example, the cookie could trigger a new tantrum. Remember not to reward a tantrum or else you're just making a down payment on the next one. Focus on soothing the child, lowering your voice, using calming touch, articulating their feelings, and waiting out the storm.

A parent on their own should similarly handle the situation but review it as soon as possible with parenting partners. As I said in the other post, talk it out and have some forgiveness toward the parent on the spot. Take it as a learning experience for all. If a mistake was made, undo anything that can be undone but be publicly supportive of the decision-maker. Present a unified front to the child.