Unison Parenting Blog: How to Proactively Parent

The first step in my concept of Unison Parenting is called Proactive Parenting. Parents come together to create a framework with core values, rules, and consequences and rewards regarding those rules.

Parents initially create a strong family narrative. Children need to understand what their family holds dear and represents in the world. Researchers call this resiliency-boosting process “sense-making.”

Parents should then agree on core values. Core values define ideals, goals, outputs, and the high-level approach to family processes. In the ideal parenting style, parenting partners balance love expressions with boundary enforcement.

The core values translate into policies and processes—how the family will operates daily. Parents set expectations and then regularly inspect adherence to those expectations; rewards and consequences are assigned after inspection. Note the difference between expecting and inspecting: there should be a clear inspecting methodology, as expecting alone may cause the child to have murky perceptions of compliance.

As a system of choices (I use the term “Choices Chart”) takes shape, parents might first be the decisionmakers regarding the consequences of bad choices. For example, talking back might have one consequence, while refusal to do chores has another. Over time, as the family gets used to the choices system, allowing the children to have a say in defining consequences is quite powerful. You’ll find the only argument is whether a violation occurred, not what the resulting consequence is.

Rewards should be assigned for adherence to desired behaviors and for exceeding them. I recommend rewarding the family as a whole for an individual’s behavior. The family excels when the individual excels; jealousy and imbalance can largely be skirted.

That is proactive parenting in a nutshell. My book, Unison Parenting, provides many more details.