Unison Parenting Blog: Touchy-Feely Needs A Partner

I've been seeing several comments or scenarios lately that indicate the touchy-feely approach to parenting is still going strong.

For example:

• A mom saying she's "in tune" with her three-year-old son.

• Another mom saying, "Kindness is the only thing that matters in parenting."

• A dad suggesting, "If you shower your kids with love, they'll be well-behaved."

In Unison Parenting terms, these statements all trend toward an unproductive style called Permissive Parenting. Touchy-feely is fine when paired with discipline, boundaries, and limits. The combination is called Loving and Firm Parenting, the style that achieves the best results (higher self-esteem, security, behavior, academic success, relationship with parents as adults, and more).

It's human nature - and it's especially kid nature - to explore boundaries and find out how much we can get away with. Children actually feel more secure and cared for when they know there are boundaries. They know that a parent cares enough to discipline them as well as love them.

Kids may even seek limits. In my book, "Unison Parenting," I tell the story of a kid visitor from a permissive family that eventually responded well to having limits placed on him.

Another issue with Permissive Parenting is that children are often given the right to make major decisions too soon. Not only that, but these children often have not had responsibility placed on them. They may have a skewed view of how the world works and may make bad decisions as a result. Children, even teens, still need guardrails administered by a wise, loving parent who gradually gives them decision-making authority with guidance.

Now, discipline without love is actually the worst parenting style, Dominant Parenting. Showing love and kindness to your children is essential. But touchy-feely needs the partner of boundaries and rules.

Next week in this space, I'll show the opposite: the damage that happens when a parent doesn't tend to the emotional needs of the child.